The Sauced Bulletin

Was anyone honestly surprised when Herman Cain announced today that he’ll be suspending his campaign?  I mean we knew this was coming right?  The instant the first sexual assault charge was leveled against him, Herman Cain’s chances of winning the GOP nomination were over.  Like come on, if Bill Clinton was almost impeached over a blowjob, how could Herman Cain possibly get elected.  Dude has sexually harassed every woman he’s ever worked with and carried on a 13-year affair!  You don’t get to the white house after shit like that.  Cain’s failure, then, is not news.

It’s even doubly not news because, let’s face it, Herman Cain was never going to be the president anyway.  He’s a pizza salesman with ZERO political experience, no knowledge of foreign policy, and a ludicrous tax plan based on The Sims.  I’m probably more qualified to be the president than this guy.

I am a little bit sad though.  Not because I liked Cain, but because he was hilarious.  Black Walnut?  Those amazing campaign ads that were so crazy you couldn’t even make them up?  U-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan!?!?  COMEDY GOLD!  Imagine all the SNL sketches and Daily Show segments that will never see the light of day, all because Herman Cain couldn’t keep his touchy hands to himself.

So, today we bid farewell to Herman Cain, a truly bizarre human being and perhaps the dumbest person since Sarah Palin to come this close to the white house.  Bye, Herman!  Have fun quoting the Pokemon movie to your wife at home!  I hear she’s PISSED.