The Sauced Bulletin

At a recent townhall meeting in Iowa at a place called the Waverly Pizza Ranch (which, you know, of course), Michelle Bachmann further demonstrated how much of an uneducated bigot she is in front of some kids.  You can watch the clip here, courtesy of Videogum (hey guys!).

Did you watch it?  HOLY SHIT, this woman.  She’s supposed to be a presidential candidate and that teenager just OWNED her basically just by asking the question “why not?”  To sum things up, Bachmann puts forth the idea that homosexuals have exactly the same right to get married as heterosexuals, provided that they marry someone of the opposite sex.  You hear that, gays!?  You’ve been able to get married all along.  All you have to do is stop being gay!  You know?  Just change that pesky sexual preference of yours, deny who you are inside, and you too can enjoy the pleasures and benefits of married life.  Simple as that!

You guys, I think someone needs to explain to Michelle Bachmann what “rights” are?  Because she’s kinda getting it wrong.  I’m pretty sure that when a segment of the population is not allowed to do something that the rest of the population is allowed to do, that segment is being DENIED their RIGHT.  Saying that gays have the right to get married as long as they marry a member of the opposite sex would be like saying, during the Civil Rights Movement, “Sure, you black people can use the white bathrooms, just stop being black!”  Basically, what Michelle Bachmann says in this clip is completely insane and, if she believes it, then she is even more deluded than we all thought.  And she seems to really believe it!  I mean she can’t give these high school kids any better answer than “Gay people can’t get married because it’s the law,” which is bullshit.  If you were the president, you could change that law you fucking idiot!

But Michelle Bachmann would not ever want to change such a law because Michelle Bachmann hates gay people.  We know this.  She and her whipped husband run clinics to pray the gay out of people, for fucks sake.  And then somehow, against all odds, Michelle Bachmann the crusader for equal rights turns this supposed townhall meeting into yet another forum to spout her nonsense about how Christianity is under attack.  “Christians can’t pray in school, but Muslims can!”  she says, as some kind of backwards-ass way to say that kids of non-Christian faiths are not ostracized at school and get rid of the Deprtment of Education and state’s rights and blah blah blah does this woman listen to herself when she talks?

You know what?  Shut up, Michelle Bachmann.  Please just SHUT THE FUCK UP.  We all know you’re a bigoted asshole who hates everyone who isn’t a white, heterosexual Christian and, if you had your way, the United States would be a lawless confederacy of warring states with no central government, teetering on the brink of destruction as you rule it as a theocracy from the top of a mountain.  You know, just the way you like it!  So keep your batshit ideas about gay rights to yourself.  Honestly, if you were still a serious presidential candidate, I would be very worried.  But you’re not.  You’re like Sarah Palin now:  an arch-conservative housewife with crazy political views who people are still forced to listen to because, for some reason, there is always a microphone in front of your face.  So please just give it a rest, already.

In other news, what I really wanna know is:  how is the pizza at the Waverly Pizza Ranch!?  Was it good!?!?  Was the crust too thin, or too thick?  How do they do it in Iowa?  Probably more Chicago-style right, since Iowa is closer to Chicago than it is to New York?  Will any of the PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES happen at this location when they come around?!?