The Sauced Bulletin

I guess, as the writer of an entertainment blog (or whatever this is), I would be remiss on some level if I didn’t mention that the new Twilight movie is out today.  It’s called “Breaking Dawn - Part 1” (Part 1!!!) and, if the trailer is any indication, it’s going to be horrible.  But that won’t stop adolescent girls and creepy middle-aged women from coming out in droves to swoon and cry and scream until they pass out at what they believe to be the most significant cultural event of their lives.

The trailer seems to indicate that this movie is about the main characters, Bella and Edward, fucking and the inherent consequences….of them FUCKING.  The message can be summed up by the coach from Mean Girls “If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die.”  Only, where Tina Fey and the writers of that film meant that as a joke, Stephanie Meyer thinks that shit is FOR REAL.  After what must be hours of straight banging, Bella gets pregnant with a mutant vampire baby which promptly begins devouring her from the inside out.  “WHOOPS, forgot to mention that would happen, sorry girl” - Edward.

Taylor Lautner’s shirt comes off, stays off, and otherwise ceases to exist.  Pale skin, bad acting, awful effects, Bella gets turned into a vampire or something I guess?  Whatever.  I can’t believe I’ve already written even this much about this fucking movie.

So the sad thing about this terrible series of films, and I use the term “sad” loosely, is that the hardcore fans actually think these movies are good.  They enjoy them.  They straight up fucking LOVE THEM.  Their blind fanaticism about these lifeless characters, brought to life on the screen by equally lifeless actors, makes them not care about the quality of the filmmaking, the performances, the storytelling, the music, the effects, the cinematography, ANYTHING.  That’s some pretty incredible obsession, so powerful it can make shitty movies seem good.

And these movies ARE shitty.  They are the worst.  Not only have they made a bunch of hack actors into almost-movies stars (Abduction did really well, right Taylor Lautner!?), they have also taught a whole generation of girls to think about relationships in two ways.  1) You should never, EVER have sex.  As awesome, fun, and incredibly amazing as it might be, DON’T DO IT.  Relationships are about laying in fields, gazing into one anothers’ eyes and not talking.  2) Emotionally abusive relationships are OK!  Don’t worry girls, once you like some guy just love him, LOVE HIM and stay with him.  Even if he is distant and unavailable, even if he leaves you frequently, even if he puts you in danger, just stick by that hottie because one day, if you’re LUCKY, he will fuck you.  He will have sex with you and impregnate you with a vampire baby that you shouldn’t give up under any circumstances, even if it might kill you.  Because you love him too much!  HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, HERE WE COME!

Ugh.  The message of this series is the worst.  But it’s also really confused.  Should kids have sex or not?  Should they be celibate?  Is sex THE BEST!?  Get your story straight, Meyer!  And the movies communicate that garbled bullshit in the best way they can, which is to be an equally garbled mess of bullshit but on a grand, visual scale.

So there you have it guys, the second to last installment in the worst cultural phenomenon that I can remember is here!  It will set records, it will make money, it will be compared to Harry Potter which is totally absurd.  Twilight is basically The Monkees to Potter’s The Beatles:  a shoddily made, hastily assembled bastard cousin devoid of any semblance of art or creativity, designed solely to separate young girls from their money and common sense.  The Twilight films/books lack the scope, impact, mass appeal, and, most importantly, the QUALITY of Harry Potter and that is final.

Basically I’m saying Twilight can suck it and THANK GOD there is only one movie left after this.  Then, after the blu ray box set is released, it will be done.  It will be forgotten entirely.  Mark my words, time will not be kind to Twilight and it will inevitably be remembered as the dumb fad that it is.

So have fun at the movies everyone!  Don’t cry too loud, or you’ll miss all the IMPORTANT DIALOGUE, am I right?!  Fuck these movies.  They suck and everyone knows it.