The Sauced Bulletin

Ladies, and by ladies I mean 13 year old girls, you might not want to read the rest of this post.  Things are getting pretty GROWN UP in Justin Bieber land, and I don’t know if all of you have the emotional maturity to handle the news.  But here goes:

According to various news sources, such as this article at CBS.com, a California woman has declared J-Biebs to be the father of her three-month old child.  She wants a DNA test!  She wants child support!  CAN THIS BE TRUE!?!?

It probably isn’t.  But my God I hope it is.  Can you imagine the backlash if, a year ago, 16 year old Justin Bieber actually banged a 19 year old girl backstage at a concert and got her pregnant!?  His image would be forever tarnished, his career would be completely over, and Selena Gomez would probably try to stab him with Mickey Mouse safety scissors.

Bieber’s PR team has already begun denying these allegations, saying that it’s “sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory, and demonstrably false claims,” and that all manner of legal action will be pursued.  I’m surprised they didn’t just take the obvious route and ask that girl how on earth she thinks someone who hasn’t gone through puberty yet could possibly have impregnated her.  Come on, PR guys, it’s SCIENCE!

So in all likelihood, this probably isn’t true.  Justin Bieber has spoken openly against casual sex and he’s already got Selena Gomez to hold hands in public with, so why would he need to nail groupies backstage?  However, Bieber’s difficulty with simple tasks, like walking through doors, is well documented, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he screwed up putting a condom on. But come on, you guys, the CBS article says J-Biebs has openly criticized casual sex.  HE AIN’T ABOUT THAT SHIT!  He’s about love, and purity and TRUE LOVE!  The kind of special love that only a millionaire teenager can have for all you ladies out there.  Backstage at a Justin Bieber concert there’s just sugar cookies and decaffeinated organic Mountain Dew and free video games for everyone and NO GROUPIES.  Definitely no groupies.  None.  Not one EVER.  Selena would be so pissed.