The Sauced Bulletin

I was watching the news this morning (oh yes, I watch the news from time to time) and the people on my TV were talking about some poll or whatever that just happened regarding the republican presidential candidates.  At one point they showed a graphic of all the GOP hopefuls and it suddenly hit me:  none of them has a fucking chance at being Obama.  NOT ONE!  Please.  These people?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Let’s talk about the leading “candidates” for a second.

Mitt Romney is in the lead and nobody even likes him!  Conservatives and liberals alike think he’s a slimy, two-faced sleazebag with a bad haircut and a dumb name.  Seriously, President Mitt?  Absolutely not.

Rick Perry is a mass murderer who can’t string two sentences together.  And when he DOES get a coherent thought out, he winds up alienating half of his constituency.

Michele Bachmann is a PSYCHOTIC woman known primarily for her crazy eyes, bonkers religious zealotry (she and her husband will make you not gay!), and lack of qualifications.  Did I mention she’s a fucking nut job?  I did. Ok good.

Herman Cain is the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza.  That’s it.

Ron Paul believes everyone without health insurance should simply be left to die.

Rick Santorum just straight up hates fags.

So THOSE are all of the candidates of any consequence right now.  A used car salesman, an illiterate serial killer, an evangelical wacko, a former pizza magnate, the grim reaper, and a homophobe.  I’m not counting Sarah Palin because she hasn’t said whether or not she’s running yet and I like to act as if she doesn’t exist.  But seriously, this election, in a sane world, would be like when the democrats marched John Kerry’s reanimated corpse up there to lose to George W. Bush in ‘04.  I say “in a sane world” because in the back of my brain I have a fear that there might just be enough whacked out Tea Party-ers out there to get one of these dolts elected.  But, looking at the field now, I would say President Obama is going to CRUSH whoever the republicans send up there.

FOUR MORE YEARS, right RACISTS!?!?